So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
