My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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