i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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