I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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