arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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