i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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