If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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