hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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