eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
