Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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