I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
