Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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