Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
