in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
