i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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