Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
