Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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