just come out here and I will go home with you...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
