my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize