my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
