This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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