So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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