i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
