I'm jealous of your bromance
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
