Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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