his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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