Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
