please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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