You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize