You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
