He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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