I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
