one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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