I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
