just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize