I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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