i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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