I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
