I CAN MOONWALK!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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