I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
