i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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