theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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