you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I touched a dick in church today
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