I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
