Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize