So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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