i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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