I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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