i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
