Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I think my moral compass just broke
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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