You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
