think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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