i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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