a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Green mimosas i think yes
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
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