i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
