Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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