I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
