Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
