I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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