I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
