Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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