the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize