So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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