WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
