Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize