i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
