it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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