I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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