wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
