That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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