its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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