He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I cannot find my penis.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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