Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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