i jhust puked up my retainher.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
