seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
