I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
